Mama’s Performance Review


Image via Shutterstock

Employee: Mama / Mummy / Oi!

Title: Mother, Former Ruler of the Roost, Purveyor of Stickers, Burner of Toast, Gatekeeper of Chocolate Buttons, Events Coordinator, Googly Eye Facilitator, Televisual Supervisor, Leading Wellington Boot Advocate, Duplo Dynamo, Tickle Ninja, Waste Disposal Monitor, Marker Pen Guerrilla, Chief Nursery Rhyme Blagger, Babble Translator, Creature Colourist, Dot-to-Dot Joiner Upper.

Line Manager: The Toddler; Current Ruler of the Roost.

Productivity & Work Quality

A highly adept multitasker. Can brush hair, apply makeup, catch up on Facebook, pee and sing ‘Wind the Bobbin Up’ to an inquisitive infant, simultaneously.

Has been known to put the same wash load on four times in one week to uphold high standards of cleanliness*.

*And not at all because she forgot to empty the machine. Thrice.

Generally colours within the lines. Draws an excellent butterfly, though her ‘Daddy Pig’ needs attention. Artwork definitely not yet up to the Pinterest gold standard, to which she aspires. (May wish to revisit expectations).


A thoroughly upstanding individual, whose integrity is beyond reproach. As evidenced by the following nuggets of gospel verisimilitude:

  • “We’re nearly there”.
  • “The park is closed”.
  • “It won’t hurt at all, I promise”.
  • “The ice cream man plays that music to let you know he’s out of ice cream”.
  • “It’s bedtime”.
  • “Santa doesn’t visit children who don’t eat their broccoli”.
  • “That’s the most amazing picture of a three legged pineapple I have ever seen!”
  • “You’re both winners”.
  • “What a shame, your toy is broken”.
  • “The TV is broken”.
  • “The tablet is broken”.
  • “Everything in the world that lights up and/or makes a sound is broken. For at least the next three hours.

Communication Skills

A strong communicator. Equally proficient in conversing with Daddy, The Toddler and pigeons. Able to interpret most infant babble, though not yet fluent.

A stickler for correct pronunciation; most notably “choc” is pronounced with a “ch” and not a “k”.

Work is needed to extend her storytelling voice repertoire beyond the standard mummy voice and her go-to Jamaican pirate/bear/bunny/monster/dinosaur/fairy/frog.


Has learnt to batch cook food at weekends to ensure offspring don’t die from excessive breadcrumb consumption. The freezer now contains enough chilli, pasta bake, fish cakes, tikka masala, cottage pie, lasagne and pastry pinwheels to keep The Toddler going until he’s seventy-six. (Plus a vital stash of contingency chicken nuggets and fish fingers. Obviously).

Mama has also established three and a half thousand uses for the humble wet wipe. Two and a half thousand of which involve crayons.

Key Achievements

  • Finally accepts (albeit reluctantly) that Google does not have a doctorate, nor a stethoscope and therefore is not to be trusted with major medical diagnoses.
  • Her bingo wings are less bingo wingy. Credit to the twenty-four pound toddler she lugs around twenty-three hours a day.
  • Can once again sneeze without wetting herself.


The Toddler is by and large well kept. More often than not, he is happy, healthy, washed, fed, watered and suitably attired for essential playschool duties (typically running, jumping, dancing, climbing, falling and spinning around in circles until he bumps into the corner of a table, or makes himself sick).

Mama could benefit from applying this level of due care and attention to herself. A liberal spritz of dry shampoo and a forage with a wet wipe are not socially acceptable shower substitutes – nor is three quarters of a digestive biscuit dunked in a cold cup of tea a nutritionally balanced breakfast. The ‘mum bun’ is so 2014 and those eyebrows needed threading around about the time Princess Charlotte was conceived.

Superb development on the sneezing front however. Now to work on laughter…


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