What Not to Buy When You’re Expecting

What Not to Buy When You’re Expecting loveanddribble.com bump

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Utterly fabulous nightwear to ensure own utter fabulousness in hospital, before, during and after birth.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret they don’t share with you in those baby brochures: The miracle of life is messy. Quentin Tarantino messy. So for the love of peach blossom brushed cotton flannelette pyjamas – wear an old t-shirt.

No matter how your little one enters this world, they’re not going to arrive on the wings of a psychedelic unicorn, so you can roll yourself in glitter (or fancy schmancy jammies) all you want, but the reality is once you’re done pushing a baby out of your vagina, you’re going to look as fresh as someone who just pushed a baby out of their vagina. The same applies post c-section – it’s not a facial.

The good news? You are not the Duchess of blinkin’ Cambridge. Nobody cares. All eyes will be on the amazing little mini person you just made.

Well done you.

Now incinerate that t-shirt.

Gorgeously ornate newborn formalwear.

So you’ve negotiated seventy-six fiddly little buttonholes, forced your cherub’s arms and legs into a rigid, ungodly position, discovered a fastening by the neck hole that needed to be undone before wedging their floppy head through it and sworn blue murder because no matter how hard you try – you simply cannot align the poppers…

Babies live for moments like this. Time to poop all over themselves – down their legs, up their back and into their hair. A full-blown biblical proportion, pond slime poonami situation.

This is your child’s subtle way of telling you they’d rather slip into something a little more comfortable.

Infants don’t get turned away from weddings for being underdressed; consider it a perk of the job. A cutesy sleepsuit will do just fine, but holy crapamoly – remember a spare. You don’t want to be the one wrestling your pond slime caked infant into a car seat for the journey home.

Scratch mittens.

Astoundingly useful for the nanosecond they stay on.

Look for newborn sleepsuits with incorporated mittens. Whoever invented them is a goddamn genius, who I fully intend to find, marry, have babies with and then dress said babies in newborn sleepsuits with incorporated mittens.

Designer baby shoes.

Here’s some totally new information for you: Newborn babies cannot walk. They eat footwear. Designer baby shoes are basically super expensive chew toys.

Buy a teething ring and keep your little angel’s tootsies warm in a sleepsuit.

Sleepsuits rule.

Any beautifully coordinated, so pricey you’ll pray they were licked together by Labradoodles – matching quilted cot bed sets.

I get it. I really do. You want the nursery to look like Pinterest threw up on it. So did I. But the ghastly and utterly inconvenient truth is – the bumper’s a health hazard and the quilt can’t be used before your child turns one. That’s a whole heap of moolah to fork out for a single cot sheet.

Look instead for baby sleeping bags. Whoever invented them is a goddamn genius, who I fully intend to find, marry and have babies* with.

*In addition to the incorporated mittens guy/gal.

And my husband.

Bath thermometer.

Ever noticed that wrinkly looking bendy joint thing, roughly halfway down your arm? It’s an elbow. Elbows make excellent bath thermometers. And cost nothing.

Here comes the science bit: If the water feels too hot – it’s too hot. If it feels cold – it’s cold.

Four hundred and twenty-four thousand adorable little babygrows. All 0-3 months.

At least try to resist the urge to go overboard here. Your child will only be 0-3 months for three months.

Not six years.

If you manage this – please tell me how.

Changing table.

You really don’t need a pricey piece of furniture on which to wipe your bambino’s bottom – a change mat on the floor will suffice.

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When it comes to code green situations, trust me when I say – time is of the essence. You can’t be fannying about upstairs.

Diaper Genie.

Jazz it up with a fanciful flapdoodle name all you want, but this thing can’t grant wishes. It’s just a frilly bin.

Word to the wise – if you’re trying to save coinage: Use a normal bin.

Wet wipe warmer.

Holy heated backside Batman!

What a crock of shiitake mushrooms. No child has ever suffered in the hands of cold wipes, so for the love of room temperature personal hygiene products – don’t even think about buying one.

I mean it.

If you enjoyed this and would like to know What You Really Need to Buy When You’re Expecting, then click the clicky thing, here. You’ll discover what makes an unexpectedly excellent leaky boob shield.

Made you smile? Ruddy marvellous. Why not follow me for more shizzle like this:

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A Cornish Mum

16 replies »

  1. Bahaha! You’ve just returned the favour with the hot chocolate injury – I snorted coffee out my nose reading this! Frilly bin, indeed. A plastic bag hung off the doorknob and replaced daily or at each poo has always worked fine for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome! I found sucking on an ice cube helped soothe my third degree tongue burn.

      We too use the classy plastic bag on the doorknob method. Though now they’re charging five pence for carriers, we may need a rethink… I’m not made of money!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A wet wipe warmer! WTAF! Really?! Wow I am one hard mamma as we just had plain old room temp wipes in this house! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

    Like

    • Our poor neglected children and their room temperature bottoms! I wonder if they’ll ever forgive us? Perhaps the cot bedding licked together by Labradoodles will compensate?

      Like

  3. Haha. Fab post. I have to disagree with the changing table though, purely on the basis of being like an old woman and getting a sore back easily – we only stopped using it in Jan, shortly after his 2nd birthday and only because we needed the space to put other stuff on haha. #picknmix

    Liked by 1 person

    • Why thank you! I’d say old lady back is excellent justification for a changing table!

      If only I could think of sufficient justification for having David Beckham as a nanny…

      Like

  4. Ha ha – brilliant. What the hell is a wet wipe warmer? I had one friend that use to put them in the airing cupboard! I would have thought they would have dried out? But what do I know? I think we stayed away from pretty much all of these apart from the the changing table. Although I had a bit of a bay grow fetish it last 0-9months so managed to at least get wear out of them!! 🙂 so cute! #PickNMix

    Like

    • I had a serious baby clothing substance abuse problem. I probably bought about 2 year’s worth of clothes for my son’s first 6 months of life. But everything was just so darn cute, I couldn’t resist! Do you think they have help groups for such things?!

      Wet wipes in the airing cupboard?! Goodness me! That’s dedication!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Great read.
    You know who else doesn’t care what you look like during / after birthing your sproglet? You!
    I’ve never cared so little about how I look. Amazing how contractions will focus your mind like that.

    But, respectfully, I have to disagree on the Diaper Genie.
    Not essential when they’re little, but OOOEEEE, once you wean them and they’re producing proper poos, there ain’t no plastic bag on the doorknob that’s going to contain the smell!!

    Like

    • Ha ha! I’m with you on the looking horrendous and not giving a jot! So true!

      I shall respect your diaper genie call for weaning poos. I’m pretty sure some of my son’s have been solely responsible for additional holes in the ozone layer… OOOEEE indeed!

      Like

  6. Ha love it and so true! The wet wipe warmer thing is just bizarre, although maybe I’m just out of the baby loop now mine are 9 and 11?!! 😉 The most useless thing I took to hospital with me when I had my 1st son was size 10 pyjamas….I presume I thought he was a 3 stone baby not a 7 lb 11 one ….took me around 2 years to get in to those pjs!!
    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix
    Stevie x

    Liked by 1 person

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