No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day

No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby funny face loveanddribble.comMy son answers to many names: Little Man, Big Man, Baba, Cutie-pie, Cheeky-chops, Jellybean, Wriggle-pants, Stinky-pants, Lord-tootsie-wootsie-schnookums-bumble-wookums VI.

Okay, I made that last one up. Though it does have a kind of ring to it…

Now if I could just get him to respond to “Take that out of your mouth, RIGHT. NOW!” we might avoid any more unnecessary trips to the hospital.

Here’s a list of just some of the random crap my darling Stinky-pants has tried to ingest over the last week. True story:

  • One toilet seat.
  • An entire packet of wet wipes.
  • Seven poop-filled nappies.
  • A large pot of Sudocrem.
  • His passport application.
  • Five environmentally friendly carrier bags (the really flimsy, pathetic, break off in your hand, “You call this a bag?” bags).
  • Each and every sock lovingly placed over his cold feet.
  • His cold feet.

    No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby loveanddribble.com

    Image via Shutterstock

  • The wheels on his buggy. And push chair. And trike.
  • The safety harness on his buggy. And push chair. And trike.
  • Six plastic coat hangers.
  • His grandfather’s forlorn Yucca plant, last watered circa the summer of 1997.
  • Three ornamental garden ducks.
  • One square foot of grass.
  • A woodlouse.
  • Six overgrown weeds.
  • His father’s mud-encrusted trainers.
  • His own non mud-encrusted trainers. No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby funny face loveanddribble.com shoe
  • The syringe used to administer his medicine (minus medicine).
  • Any food to pass his mother’s lips.
  • One travel-sized pot of anti-wrinkle cream.
  • One waterproof mascara, waaay past its use-by date.
  • A lip gloss his mother hasn’t worn since his conception.
  • A single bottle of coral gel nail polish.
  • One round headed blusher brush.
  • Chanel No.5.
  • A blunt pair of slanted tweezers.
  • Approximately five thousand hairgrips.
  • Some nail clippers.
  • Three quarters of a packet of those cotton bud ear thingies.
  • His auntie’s beloved rainbow socks, still worn.No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby funny face loveanddribble.com socks
  • His auntie’s big toe.
  • His grandmother’s “I can’t see a thing without my glasses” glasses.
  • Twenty-four of his favourite books.
  • Six birthday cards.
  • Nine envelopes.
  • His uncle’s mint condition limited edition Godfather Trilogy DVD box set, signed by Marlon Brando.
  • An electricity bill (mixed blessing).
  • One Sharpie marker.
  • Twelve colouring pencils. No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby funny face loveanddribble.com pencils
  • The bell on the collar belonging to next door’s cat.
  • The tail belonging to next door’s cat. No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby funny face loveanddribble.com cat
  • Every single item of post to fall through our letterbox each morning.
  • The lid to a tube of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. No Darling, the TV Cable is Not One of Your Five a Day baby funny face loveanddribble.com pringles
  • Two mobile phone chargers.
  • Three mobile phones.
  • One five metre long TV cable.
  • Four extension leads.
  • A sheet of fancy hand-pressed gift wrap, intended for his uncle’s 34th birthday present.
  • A reel of curling ribbon, intended for his uncle’s 34th birthday present.
  • One sticky bow, intended for his uncle’s 34th birthday present.
  • His uncle’s 34th birthday present.

Sorry brother.

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