Despite my best efforts to convince Wills and Kate to name their little girl Her Royal Highness Princess David Beckham of Cambridge, they have opted for something a tad more traditional, with Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Foiled again.
Never mind. This naming a child shizzle is a tricky business, whether the baby in question is fourth in line to the throne or not.
I believe it goes a little something like this:
Dad-to-be: Nope. Went to school with. Big nose. Small feet.
Mum-to-be: You just want an excuse to do the whole Darth Vadar “I am your father” thing, don’t you?
Dad-to-be: I knew a dog named Henry once. He was awesome.
Dad-to-be: Slept with. Webbed feet.
Dad-to-be: No Westlife.
Mum-to-be: No Russell Crowe.
Dad-to-be: As in Bieber?
Mum-to-be: As in pig?
Dad-to-be: Worked for. Very waxy ears.
Dad-to-be: Dated. Had a fantastic pair of b-
Dad-to-be: Old next-door neighbour. Teeth that could eat an apple through a letterbox.
Dad-to-be: Works at the corner shop. Uses air freshener as a deodorant.
Dad-to-be: Dated. Smells of feet.
Mum-to-be: Worked with. Personality of a fungal nail infection.
Mum-to-be: Dated. Actual fungal nail infection.
Mum-to-be: Colleague. Talks like Minnie Mouse.
Mum-to-be: Dated. Also talks like Minnie Mouse.
Mum-to-be: Went to school with. Daddy issues.
Mum-to-be: Ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Hair like a toilet brush.
Mum-to-be: Dated. Eleven toes.
Mum-to-be: Slept with. Highly questionable facial hair.
Mum-to-be: Didn’t sleep with, but equally questionable facial hair.
Mum-to-be: Slept with. Third nipple.
Mum-to-be: Dated. Small willy.
Mum-to-be: Slept with. He had the funkiest tasting sp-
Dad-to-be: How many men have you actually slept with?
Mum-to-be: So, Luke you say… I can live with ‘Luke’.