25 Things Not to Say to a New Mum

25 Things Not to Say to a New Mum loveanddribble.comI still can’t fasten the poppers correctly on my son’s sleepsuits, constantly have peanut butter in my hair and am yet to learn how to change a pooey nappy without somehow wearing at least part of it. Needless to say, I have a lot to learn about this motherhood malarkey. There is however one thing (and one thing only) that I became a Jedi-ninja-Grandmaster-supremo at, the instant I peed on a stick: Worrying. And it turns out I am not alone.

All mothers worry. A lot. About – well, pretty much everything. We’re bloody good at it. So, with this in mind, I have created a list of 25 things not to say to a new mum, unless you want to witness her crying fret-induced snot bubbles:

  1. Give him to me. I’ll show you how it’s done”. How kind of you to point out my many mistakes. May I return the favour? I have a list somewhere. Hang on, let me get my diary…
  2. Gosh! You look horrendous! You are getting enough sleep aren’t you?” If twenty seven and a half minutes in forty-eight hours counts as enough, then YES, I am getting enough!
  3. Oh, congratulations! When are you due?” Roughly six weeks ago. Did the spit-up on my shoulder not give it away? Now if you’ll kindly excuse me, I’m going home to burn these clothes and cry alone in the toilet.
  4. He’s HEUUUUUWAGE! What are you feeding him?” Lard mostly. When we’re out of lard, then goose fat, treacle, honey and nuts. He loves nuts.
  5. She’s so tiny! Are you sure you’re feeding her enough?” So THAT’S what’s been bugging me for the last week and a half. I forgot to feed the baby!
  6. Oh dear. Where’s all her hair?” We shaved it off. Thought it might be fun to fashion a wig for next door’s cat.25 Things Not to Say to a New Mum loveanddribble.com
  7. Well, smile then. Aren’t you happy?” So. Tired. Cannot. Raise. Corner. Of. Mouth.
  8. You think this is tough? Ha! This is the easy bit!” I hate you.
  9. “Such gorgeous eyes! She looks nothing like you”. Aww, it’s like a warm cuddle and a slap around the face in one breath.
  10. So you’ve decided not to send it back then? Ha!” We tried to, but it turns out babies are non-refundable. Oh – and by the way, she’s a ‘she’ and not an ‘it’. Didn’t you get the memo?
  11. Sleep when the baby sleeps”. What a crock of shiitake mushrooms. Allow me to elaborate.
  12. Are you disappointed that it’s a boy?” Mortified, yes. But we figure we can pass him off as a girl for at least five years, so yay!
  13. You know breast is best, right?” Oh we’re back on the topic of bosoms are we? Goody! Are your nipples the size of fried eggs too?
  14. Hasn’t she got very sticky-out ears!” I’m utterly thrilled my daughter just threw up on you. It’s like she knew…
  15. So I’m guessing you have a routine in place for her by now?” Absolutely: eat, poop, pee, repeat.
  16. What have the doctors said about his wonky eye?” They said it’s only misaligned when trying to focus on complete nincompoops.
  17. In my day we just let them cry it out”. In your day babies were weaned on fish stew and tripe.
  18. We were hoping for a girl”. I know, dearest mother-in-law. That’s why we deliberately had a boy. To p*ss you off. You’re welcome.
  19. Is that a rash? QUICK, pass me a glass – I shall check for meningitis!” That’s precisely what I need as a new mum – blind panic.
  20. Is he sleeping through yet?” At three days old? No, not yet. Though we’re hopeful he will at some point in the next eighteen years.
  21. Can I hold him?” No drunken stranger with worrying personal hygiene issues – you may not.
  22. I know exactly how you feel. I went out on the lash last night and had to be back in work for eight o’clock this morning. Only managed six hours sleep. I feel horrendous”. Yes, that’s exactly the same as carrying a child for nine months, pushing them out of your vagina and tending to their every need twenty-four hours a day for the past month.
  23. Any thoughts on when you’ll have another?” Oh, very soon. We’ll get right on it – as soon as my stitches have healed and the infection clears.
  24. Did I tell you our precious Hermione was walking unaided at seven months?” You did. I also saw it on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Oh and you kindly Whatsapp’d me footage. I can’t remember whether that was before or after you put it on YouTube? You’ve also mentioned it a few thousand times since… Six months you say?
  25. Well, at least you had an easy labour”. Like sneezing a hippopotamus through your left nostril, easy?25 Things Not to Say to a New Mum loveanddribble.com

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17 replies »

  1. This was hilarious! My two are pre-teens now but I still remember having to put up with quite a few similar statements/questions. Thanks for the laughs! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a terrific piece. I agree with ALL of them and even though my boy is 18 now and my girl 11, I’m still amazed that good manners goes right out the window at new mothers, as though you are going to be grateful for all this intrusiveness. I sometimes found that ‘helpful’ people would preface with: ‘Tell me to mind my own business but . . . .’ (followed by one of your examples).

    Actually as my children are so far apart, the question I get asked is: ‘Do they have the same father?’ If both the kids are with me I usually look PANICKED and hiss: ‘Yes’ in as guilty a tone as possible. It’s become a family joke. So alas, the crass comments still continue. Funny, if YOU were to say to a near stranger, ‘Have you always had such a massive arse?’ people would think how rude you were, and yet mothers get asked these amazingly crass and intrusive questions from the off.

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  3. Hahaha, too funny! Agree with all and that what are you feeding your child used to annoy me a lot. Especially when I would say I’m breastfeeding and then they’ll continue with a SECOND NOT TO ASK QUESTION : “What are YOU eating?” #TheList

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!

      A taser would come in very handy with our hospital Bounty packs methinks. It could be administered to unruly guests and nosy parkers at the supermarket.

      I think I might start lobbying! “What do we want? Tasers for mums! When do we want it? Now!” ….no?

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  4. haha I love this list! Unfortunately we did have lots of these said to us (well me in particular). Especially about the lack of hair. It’s also incredible how people are so opinionated when it comes to newborns. Everyone has their own methods but sometimes forget to let the parents get on with it and find their own style. x #thelist

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wholeheartedly concur! My son had no hair for close to a year. Phrases like “Oh the poor thing” and “don’t worry, he’ll be a lot cuter when he gets some hair” were used. I spat in their tea. 😉

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