21 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady

21 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady loveanddribble.com Image via Shutterstock[/caption]

I loved my baby bump. But it did act as a homing beacon for every ignoramus within a twelve mile radius. Here’s my list of 21 things not to say to any woman harbouring a mini person in her uterus. Utter them at your peril:

  1. It’s a miracle isn’t it? To think that a baby’s head can fit through an opening that small”. I was just sick in my mouth a little bit.
  2. Are you worried it’ll get your nose?” I wasn’t.
  3. Ooh, can I have a feel?!” You already have your hand on my belly.
  4. I can see you’re eating for two already…” I have just spent sixteen weeks with my head down a toilet. What’s your excuse?
  5. For the love of God, don’t name it Barry!” Well, I wasn’t planning to. She might get picked on at school.
  6. Are you planning a drug free labour? Because that’s better for the baby you know. Also, my mum’s cousin’s next door neighbour’s sister knew a lady once you had an epidural and she NEVER. WALKED. AGAIN”. Extremely constructive. Thank you.
  7. I think you’re having a girl, because boys tend to be neat little contained bumps – whereas yours is just, well, more, sort of, well, you know – erm, kind of – everywhere”. I already suspected my arse looked like the rear end of a rhino, but you’ve just confirmed it. Kindly sod off.
  8. I didn’t think you wanted kids”. You’re absolutely right. You didn’t think.
  9. Are you scared? You must be scared”. Are you stupid? You must be stupid.
  10. Are you likely to be induced? Because I was induced and it was THE WORST experience of my ENTIRE LIFE. I won’t go into too much detail, but what I will tell you is…” [Proceeds to go into too much detail]. La la la…I’m not listening.
  11. Blimey, it took you long enough”. Are we talking about the actual act of love making here, or the fact my partner didn’t inseminate me by the bins outside the kebab shop, three hours after meeting? How do you know we haven’t spent the last six years trying for a baby, you naive virile brazen hussy?
  12. You look ready to pop! Could it be twins? Are you sure? Those scan things aren’t always accurate you know. Maybe the doctors got the date wrong. I mean – what do they know anyway?” More than you.
  13. Well, I hope you have a better birth than mine. I never knew you could be in so much pain without dying”. A mixed blessing then.
  14. Should you be eating/drinking/lifting/thinking that?” Absolutely not. You’re right. I am in fact ill and not pregnant. While we’re on the topic – should you be wearing that?
  15. How much weight have you gained? Because I put on like, three and a half pounds with mine and I’ve never been able to get back into my size 6 skinny jeans”. I just spat in your quinoa salad.
  16. You’re not going to find out the sex of the baby are you? Because that would be like opening your Christmas presents at Easter”. This is my baby and if I want to open him or her at Easter, then I bloody well will.
  17. Ha! You can kiss goodbye to any sleep for the next eighteen years”. I’ll tell you what you can kiss…
  18. Ooh, how long had you been trying for? I’m assuming this was planned. Was it planned?” No, not planned. It’s just that my husband’s penis is so gargantuan it split the XXXL condom. It’s a burden really.
  19. Are you STILL pregnant?!” I’m afraid so. I do apologise, I know what an inconvenience my swollen cankles, throbbing back and frequent trips to the loo must be for you. Feel free to ask me again in 7 minutes. I know you will.
  20. You know breast is best, right?” So we’ve reached that point in our relationship when we can openly discuss bosoms, have we? Excellent! Do yours have names too?
  21. Let me be honest with you love – if it doesn’t hurt like hell then you have a bucket for a vagina”.
21 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady LoveandDribble.com

Image via Shutterstock

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10 replies »

  1. Love, love, love #4. When I was pregnant, a colleague stated that she thought I was having a boy because my features had become more masculine. I chose to interpret it as a compliment as she is from another part of the world and there are cultural differences but had no idea how to respond. I did have a boy, so I guess there was some truth to it.

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    • Oh how delightful! I’m not sure I’d know how to respond to that either. You did the right thing to take it as a compliment. I’m pretty sure if someone said that to me I’d run to the ladies and check for facial hair in the mirror!

      A chap I worked with said that he hoped my baby looked nothing like me or my husband. He was half joking I think, but not the wisest thing to say to a heavily pregnant lady. I couldn’t decide whether to cry, or punch him…

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    • Thank you. I’d love to take all the credit, but I guess that goes to the crazy peeps who said these things. No. 21 was my parting gift from a work colleague before I left for maternity leave!

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